Dear Fred Thompson,

I've been so excited ever since you announced your bid for the throne GOP nomination for 2008, but today you left me confused. Did you not get the memo? I know Karl Rove is busy these days, what with his crumbling empire and dissent in the ranks, but I'd have thought he would have at least given you the basic file to go over.

The way any decent Republican takes on Michael Moore is to simply call him "fat" and then laugh out loud. It's worked for years on all the Fox shows, and most of the other mainstream media outlets have followed suite. Even though it turns out the big loudmouthed blimp was, you know, right all along, it has remained by far the best way to deal with him: point to the obvious fact that he's fat, and his otherwise solid and irrefutable arguments are immediately, magically rendered irrelevant and somehow invalid.

But even though you smartly shied away from taking him up on his offer of a debate on health care, you had to go and argue with Moore like some two-bit neophyte about this cigar-9/11-health-travel nonsense.

What a stupid thing to do.

Next thing you know, instead of remaining ignorant and pliable, people out there will be looking up the facts for themselves and discovering that Cuba does in fact have excellent health care in spite of our decades-long effort to somehow punish Fidel by way of inflicting severe hardship on the very people that we're so mad at him for supposedly oppressing. I never did get that particular train of thought, but then no-one in the US seems to give a damn that isolating Cuba has been a profoundly flawed policy from day one. But what's worse, people may ask some questions about your stogies, too. Now, I don't care about your breaking the embargo -- we all know that It's Okay If You're A Republican (or simply a Congressman -- gotta love those perks). But what's a good Alabama boy doing smoking that imported weed? Our local stuff not good enough for you? This is making you look bad, Fred, and surely an ex-senator-ex-actor like yourself who used to milk his red pick-up truck for all it was worth in the Bubba-belt will appreciate that politics is all about appearances.

I'm worried that you're jeopardizing something potentially great here, Fred. Why don't you challenge Michael Moore to a race around the Capitol -- sure, between his extra pounds and your smoker's lungs it'd be a pretty even match, but he'll insist on bringing a camera crew and that'll slow him down. I'd be there to cheer you on, Fred, but I've got to work an extra shift to pay my doctor's bill this month... I'm sure that as a major backer of Bill Frist's HCA for-profit health network you can appreciate that.

(image from here.)

I love and adore people with a wickedly warped sense of humor and the balls to do something about it in public. The happy and profoundly disturbed gang at Ooze are the masterminds behind toolofsatan.org and the excellent evangelist demonstrating outside a Star Wars screening. Lo, the self-righteous as well as the plain wrongteous are all mocked, and it is well.

This is deliciously deviant humor at its very best. I sincerely hope they all go to hell just like me, so I can hook up with them in the eternal hot tub and get their autographs.

So, John Edwards has had the audacity to suggest that we use Memorial Day to honor Vets and ot demand that this Administration stop making more vets in a senseless war with no purpose. Great concept: Support the Troops -- End the War. Pretty simple. Some of us have been saying that for years, and in the beginning we were declared treasonous freaks who didn't get the importance of finding non-existent WMD/killing our old pal Saddam/fighting them there so we wouldn't have to fight them here/spreading freeance/whatever Karl Rove could think of next.

Of course, there are still some dead enders out there who think wars were meant to be fought forever, even if it means more dead Americans for no particular reason other than the need for keep fighting forever. It's certainly a compellingly simply concept for your average Townhall'er -- the kind of logic that even a Drudge Report reader could understand. One of them, known to the world as "snooper" is all bent out of shape over Edwards' plan, and has cunningly launched a local event to counter the Memorial Day events. And so, while the rest of us want to support the troops by getting them home in one piece a.s.a.p., Snooper wants to rally people to support the bestest war ever because it's going so damn peachy:

I have EVERY intention of exposing this web site as the joke and political stunt that it is. edwards "pretty boy" troll is no more a patriot than I am a socialist. Enjoy what little time y'all have left.

That's awesome. Inspired. So, I've signed up for his sneaky counter-insurgency event. I told him that:

You bet. Can't wait to hear what you've planned. We can't end this war -- it's only just getting started. I can't remember what the objective was any more, but it doesn't matter -- we clearly haven't done enough damage or lost enough brave American lives. Heck, last time we needed 58,000 body bags before we recognized that we'd picked the wrong fight -- surely we're not stopping at 3,000 now just because we have no idea what we're doing there?!? That's for losers. I say we stay and fight for our right to stay and fight. And come Memorial Day, that's what I'm going to tell that massive majority of Americans who've had enough of this war.

On his blog Snooper argues that Edwards' call to support the troops while protesting the war Is "proof positive that edwards and ilk are completely brain-dead. [...] The two actions are contrary to each other [...]" By that fine logic no war should ever end, because that would be unpatriotic and disrespectful of the troops.

In true wingnut fashion, Snooper goes on to elaborate on his disgust with Edwards' plan: "[Edwards] is actually calling for anti-war displays at Memorial Day Activities! How dishonorable is that to our Veterans who have sacrificed much to keep America free?" I've never understood that line of "patriotic" reasoning. Why is it dishonorable to want to spare our brave soldiers the risk of fighting if at all possible? Why isn't it our duty to ensure that they're only put in harm's way when it is absolutely unavoidable and required to protect the vital interests of the United States? I'm sorry, but the mess in Iraq may be our doing, but keeping 150,000+ soldiers there as bonus targets in an increasingly nasty civil war is neither unavoidable nor required. They could leave tomorrow and it'd be no greater a mess than it is today; we created that mess by showing up in the first place -- but why do those poor American kids have to suffer for that monumental act of stupidity on the part of a bunch of clueless civilian clowns?

Other wingnuts are equally aghast that Edwards dares to ask us to voice a protest against the war on Memorial Day while at the same time sending our support for the troops thru various groups. Why is that such a difficult or scary notion: the poor kids stuck in deep Rovian shit thousands of miles away didn't ask to be there. We're trying to get them home, and in the meantime, we'll take care of them -- send them some stuff, show them we care about them; heck, we're even making sure they get the money they need until The Decider in Chief who so brilliantly placed their asses on the firing line stops posturing about in front of "Mission Accomplished" banners and realizes that his pet war has gone FUBAR. We're doing what few Republicans apparently are capable of these days: showing compassion for the victims of a crime (at this point it's pretty evident that this war was largely based on lies and deception -- that sort of stuff usually constitutes a crime when it results in the death of thousands of people), and trying to fix the bad all at the same time.

But of course, in his bio, my erstwhile event organizer, snooper, claims that: "In a nutshell, I have been fighting terrorists and the ideals of said bodies of murderers since 1974." And those 33 years have clearly taken their toll if not on his body, then on his mind. With all the cuts this administration has made in Veteran's services I'm guessing he's not receiving all the counseling he so clearly needs; maybe I should send him a little support package, too.

(h/t to John @ americablog for the lead to the Edwards initative; the imsge is, of course, from here.)

Update: looks like Edwards' team has purged snooper from the list of events. What a shame. I guess I'll have to go cheer for the veterans just for the hell of it...

Amazing. Perhaps, finally, people are realizing what happens to their soul when they buy plastic crap from WalMart -- it whithers and dies. It's not good for you. From that bastion of capitalism, the WSJ:

Wal-Mart Stores Inc. posted its worst monthly same-store sales results in at least 28 years, tallying a 3.5% decline in April due to this year's early Easter as well as generally challenging economic conditions for consumers.

Wal-Mart's 3.5% drop in the four-week period ending May 4 at U.S. stores fell below its earlier forecast of "flat" sales to a 2% decline. In a recorded phone message Thursday, Wal-Mart blamed bad weather last month in most U.S. regions and the early Easter on April 8, which pushed many Easter sales into March.

I love how they're trying to claim it's because of Easter. Isn't that like blaming the baby Jesus for a bought of bad sales? How will that go over with the For-God-Country-and-Plastic-Lawn-Ornaments crowd? Petulant little money grubbers: "the weather and that damn cult festival with no fixed date screwed up our profits..."

One word: Ha! Of course, this'll just make them crack the whip all the harder over the poor souls who are forced to work in their sweatshops here and abroad, but at least they will now realize that the model doesn't always work, that consumers may, in fact, make choices based on more than simply the price of the plastic crap on display in isle 14.

(The great image from here).