Crisp, clear President's Day in Vermont. Mother Nature is *so* toying with us, not at all clear what winter is up to... "should I stay or should I go now?"

In the course of the six weeks or so since we returned from Rwanda, I've tried time and again to honestly answer the question asked by everybody: "so, how was it?" (Actually, mostly I've dealt with kitty litter, homework delinquencies, chauffeuring, and getting life back on track, but with enough coffee around, I've tried to reach some kind of conclusion.)

Let me be very clear: this is, of course, my opinion, my slightly snarky take on things. This is not to be construed as representing the views of Dartmouth, my wife, the HRH Program staff, or anybody else. This is not the gospel truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Much of it is conjecture, subjective, and probably wrong. But this is my theory (which is mine), take it for what it's worth, YMMV.

Things I'll Sort of Miss About Rwanda

• The ridiculously comfy climate. At almost 5000 feet, Kigali rarely gets really hot, and it almost always features decent breezes. And then there's the added bonus of sudden, biblical downpours in the rainy season that can be a pain to deal with, but are awe-inspiring to watch in action. The weirdly compelling Groundhog-day feel to living on the equator, where every day starts at 6AM sharp, and ends at 6PM. sharp. Predictable, plannable-around-able. Consistent. 

• The absolutely gorgeous views across valleys and mountains, particularly in the morning and evenings when the sun would work its magic.

• Mountain biking with the wonderful, crazy Dutch Priest and his posse on Saturday mornings, on some of the most breathtakingly beautiful trails in the world. Great company, great rides, great memories. 

• Veggie samosas from Sharma's: cheap, fresh, tasty. Deep-fried, of course, and lethal -- but did I mention tasty?

• The friendly guys behind the counter at Sharma's, always working their ecclectic mix of hindi, swahili, kinyarwanda, and english to sell whatever they could to whoever wanted to buy. They never did manage to get me my poppy seeds, though... 

• Noshing on grotesquely extravagant Dutch treats while watching Lea ride on top of Mt. Kigali with a spectacular view in the background.

• Dealing with Bob, our efficient, always smiling and unfappable wonder-mechanic -- and not feeling the least bit ripped off, even when handing him rather large sums of money time and time again.

• The warm fuzzy feeling you get when you find that you haven't been ripped off for a change (see Bob, above). And deliberately lowering the bar so far that finding your favorite brand of crackers 20 cents cheaper than normal gives you a bit of a head rush.

• Listening to streaming radio from the Upper Valley (The Point FM!) over a hot cop of coffee in the morning while fantasizing about being back home.

• The incredible birds: eagles, hawks, egrets, bald-winged spotted whatnots -- that hover everywhere, even in the middle of the city.

• Freshly picked baby bananas and pineapples for breakfast. Avocadoes the size of soccer balls growing in our back yard, tastier than anything shipped thousands of miles from Mexico to New England could ever hope to be. 
  
  
• Making new friends for life -- as shoulders to cry on, partners-in-crime to indulge in snarky commiserating, loyal helpers and back-coverers, and all-round pillars of strength and little points of light. 
  
  
• Five bars, baby, five bars! Always solid cell phone coverage, indoors and out, in the city, in the countryside, on the hills, in the valleys. Dear AT&T: if Rwanda can do it, so can you. I even grew to appreciate the convenience of texting (I know, I'm either old or closet Amish if I'm only getting around to seeing the value of texting now... so, sue me). 

Things I Most Assuredly Will Not Miss About Rwanda

• The insanely incompetent drivers and the massive traffic mess they're slowly but surely creating and which is apparently seen as a positive sign of "civilization" by the delusional powers-that-be.

• The idiotic bureaucracy that passes for “order” here. Their obsessive-compulsive fetish with forms and formalities, with etiquette and procedure. To hell with results, let's make sure we do this the most cumbersome way possible. And, yes, the mantra "African solutions to African Problems" is largely a cop-out when the going gets tough and real problems turn out to require unpleasant, demanding changes in culture and attitude. 

• The perpetual hunt for decent prices and decent quality and the constant trade-off between the two. No, no I don't think a pre-broken made-in-China plastic bowl should cost eight dollars. And 12 bucks for a small bag of cashews is insane – they grow in Mozambique, just down the road, fer cryin' out loud – when I can get five times that amount for my money in the States. Decent coffee is five bucks a pound?!? I know it's your big export crop and all that, but c'mon, you can't charge Whole Foods Market prices in-country. 

• The staring. Really? A white guy... in Kigali. You've never seen that before? Even though you saw me yesterday, and I looked just the same, and even though the pudgy, pale missionary from Our Lady of the Perpetual Con Job Church in Slowpoke, Iowa preaches every Sunday, just across the road from you? Get over it, already.

• The crowds. There are just entirely too many people in Rwanda. Not just in the city, but everywhere: on the hillsides, on the roads, in the fields, at the markets, in the tiny two-bit villages... Not only is it overwhelming, it will likely be their downfall as they all grow to want more space and require more resources. Kids are awfully cute, and I know you may feel like you've got some catching up to do after the genocide decimated the country -- but five, six, eight, ten little ones per couple? Really, now... 

• The dirt, the dust, the profoundly crappy roads – even in the middle of Kigali. Yes, the Chinese are busy paving the hell out of it all, but there's still an awfully long way to go. 

• The guards that don't guard, the cops that don't police, the “excellence” that doesn't excel.

• The delusional self-deceit that passes for national pride, the incompetence that passes for sophistication, and the crap that passes for quality.

• The depressing realization that you're being ripped off and taken for a ride most of the time ("special price for you" -- aka twice as much as it's worth; third rate service, just because "you're not one of us.")

• Perpetually holding my breath in the hope that my car will hold it together another day without falling apart. Perpetually holding my breath in the hope that I'll hold it together even when my car surprises nobody at all by falling apart yet again.

• The predictable mantra of “good-y morning... give-a me money!” -- a one-two punch to the soul deftly delivered from smiling kids and old grandmothers alike.

• Constantly having to bleach your veggies, filter your water, and think twice about everything you eat.

• The chronic lack of initiative and personal responsibility displayed by pretty much everybody.

• The language barrier. Sure, I could have gotten my act together and tried to learn more Kinyarwanda, but Christ-on-a-hillclimb that's a tough language to learn. And without it, you're lost. 

• Having to spend my days behind a huge locked and "guarded" gate, even though this is supposedly the safest city in Africa. Maybe it's not.   

• The lack of seasons. Yes, comfy climate every day from 6AM to 6PM is nice, but after a while it gets weird when there's no fall, no spring, no winter, no change. And, no, rainy season doesn't count. 

More to come as I purge and ponder. 

Lovely. Just lovely. I had the pleasure this afternoon of chatting with 'Ariel Jay Wade', an AT&T Representative, about the dismal AT&T coverage in Norwich.

Ariel Jay Wade: Hi! Thank you for chatting in to AT&T. We'll be more than happy to assist you with your inquiry.

Ariel Jay Wade: What questions do you have regarding your coverage?

Me: when we signed up almost four years ago, coverage in our area (zip 05055) was spotty. we were told that was going to improve now that ATT had taken over from Unicel

Me: two years ago, when we renewed, nothing had changed -- we were told it was coming soon, though.

Me: today, i still get zero to 1 bar at my house -- that goes for all three of our phones (incl. two smartphones)

Me: our contract expires in a few months, and i'm trying to figure out why we should renew w/ ATT now that Verizon has rolled out 4G in our area. Is ATT's coverage going to get any better here any time soon -- or is there anything that can be done about it?

Ariel Jay Wade: I apologize that you are still having issues with the coverage in your area. What AT&T can do today is to look at this for you and if it's alright with you, I would like to do some troubleshooting to possibly get to the root cause of this issue. Will that be alright with you?

Me: sure

Ariel Jay Wade: You mentioned that you are getting zero to one bar when inside the house. Does it also apply when you are outside?

Me: gets a little better (1-2 bars) up the road a bit.

Ariel Jay Wade: Alright. I just need to verify the level of coverage that you are getting in your area. May I please have your street address?

Me: 37 Turnpike Road, Norwich VT 05055

Ariel Jay Wade: Now based on what you told me, the issue is worse when indoors. It's possible that the building materials of the house is affecting the coverage inside. I also checked that you are getting a moderate level of coverage in your area. I just need to look at a few more details. Thank you for your patience.

Ariel Jay Wade: Since you are located in an area with moderate level of coverage, what we can do is to submit a network incident report. Submitting this report will not result in immediate network updates but will be considered in future network planning. Her are possible ways to improve your signal: While indoors in a moderate signal area, it is possible to achieve better signal by moving closer to a window or changing rooms if possible. It is also a good practice to power your device off and on occasionally to renew the device registration with the network.

Me: Seriously... that's it?!? Then I would like to thank you so very, very much for your help. My friends in the area with Verizon phones get five solid bars inside my (wood framed) house. If the best AT&T can do is suggest that I "move closer to the window" or turn off my phone, then the choice has been made for me. After four years of "moderate level" (aka "miserable") coverage at "full coverage" price, I'm ready to move on.

Ariel Jay Wade: I'm sorry to hear that you are considering to discontinue service. We have a special department who might be able to provide you with further assistance since the issue is still occuring even after doing basic troubleshooting. We have our customer relations team which can be reached at 800-331-0500.

Me: Okay... but what can they do other than suggest I move even closer to the window? Will they perhaps suggest that I open it, too? It's cold in New England this time of year...

Ariel Jay Wade: They might be able to offer you some other options on how to get better coverage which basic troubleshooting cannot resolve.

So I called 1-800-SUCK-A-BAG-O-DICKS, AT&T's crack squad of elite customer service wizards. The phone ninja I got in touch with checked the coverage in our area, told me that we have one (1) single AT&T cell tower up here, but that an additional AT&T tower might be coming sometime in December. Until then? Yes, we'd be stuck with the big, fat nothing that we've got. And would I like fries with that?

When pushed on possible options apart from switching to Verizon, The Godess of Wireless Wisdom informed me that I could purchase an AT&T micro tower for a mere $199 that would boost AT&T's signal using my high speed internet connection. I hear that the solution actually works quite well, but I flat-out refuse to spend our money (and our pricey internet connection) in order to mitigate AT&T's coverage woes. 

I do, however, greatly admire the cojones of the AT&T marketing guy who casually shrugged and said, "screw it, let the suckers pay for it themselves!" when asked what the company should do about their completely inadequate coverage. An inspired move, good Sir, not unlike a hotel selling you an overpriced room, and then -- when you complain that it is, in fact, completely empty -- proceeding to show you the list of expensive options for buying a bed, a chair, a set of curtains etc.

So, it looks like we're switching to Verizon -- a bit like trading a bad dose of the clap for chronic diarrhea and a jolly round of smallpox. I"m sure it'll be fun and not at all cringe-inducing. I feel terrible for the guys at Advantage Wireless, the AT&T reseller shop on 12A in Lebanon. They offer simply amazing customer service and are genuinely great people to deal with. Why they are cursed with flogging the suckiest product on earth is not clear to me -- they deserve so  much better.