A Learning Opportunity

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From the department of “say it ain’t so”: the wonderful backwaters of Maryland brings us this story of teh stupid in action:

A kindergarten student was accused earlier this month of sexually harassing a classmate at Lincolnshire Elementary School, an accusation that will remain on his record until he moves to middle school.”

He’s five years old. Let’s consider that for a second. Five. Sexual harassment? I think not. Inappropriate? Sure, probably, as is kicking and biting and shoving and stealing blocks and hogging the crayons and knocking over the other kids’ tower. But not according to the administrators at Lincolnshire Elementary School:

It’s important to understand a child may not realize that what he or she is doing may be considered sexual harassment, but if it fits under the definition, then it is, under the state’s guidelines.

So says Carol Mowen, spokeswoman for the public schools. Mowen also makes it quite clear that it’s not just somebody else’s stupid rule that the school has to enforce. According to her, “School officials consider a student’s age and the specific action when determining what administrative action to take.” So, a school official (we may assume that’s Lincolnshire Principal Darlene Teach) actually sat down and thought: “Hm. Five year old boy, huh… pinched a girl on the butt, huh? Well, I guess he was trying to make a pass at her and get to second base, so let’s slap him with a sexual harassment charge.”

Mowen then brings the full stupidity of the situation front-and-center as she decides to describe the incident as a “learning opportunity,” according to the Hagerstown Herald-Mail that first broke this story. I guess the lesson is: “little boy, you have boogers with higher IQs than the people who rule your world. Get used to it.”

Elsewhere, Principal Teach (no, really, that’s her name) responded to the question: “What will help ensure a successful school year?” with the following profound insight: “Please talk with your child everyday about what they learned.” The father of the boy who is now marked as a sex offender says he doesn’t know what to say to his kid. I mean, how does the conversation go?

“So, what’d you learn today, kiddo?”

“Not sure, Dad. What does ‘sexual harassment’ mean?”

“Uhm, well, son, you know when a guy tries to… well, let me put it this way… uhm… why don’t we let your mother explain later…”

Crichton Shows Just How Low the Bar Can Go

afa_baby_boy_cryingDear Michael Crichton,

You continue to inspire. Not only did you help convince Dear Leader that global warming is nothing more than a treehugger hoax, but now your vindictive ways have set a new, glorious standard for the fine and unappreciated art of petty revenge. Writing up a critic as a child rapist in your latest novel was a stroke of pure genius. Not many novelists would have had the courage to conjure up an entirely unnecessary character in a book just to get back at a real-life adversary, but you didn’t shy away from the task at hand. I think you’re on to something here, and I don’t see why you shouldn’t just run with it. How about Al Gore as a serial killer or Barbara Boxer as a cannibal?

The artful passage in your book involving the sodomy of a two-year old by a liberal pundit did lose me my lunch, and I worry that you may lose some of your fans. I mean, not everyone appreciates graphic descriptions of toddler rape, even if it’s in the service of furthering the great right-wing agenda. But these are not times for the squeamish, and you know what they say: “if you can’t take the heat…”

Your remaining fans should appreciate the great service you’ve done them here. While they may be busy legitimately worrying about the sexual preference of their local evangelists and elected GOP congressmen, you’re hard at work depicting their enemies as child molesters.

I have the greatest respect for your continued tilting at the windmill that is global warming while at the same time redefining notions of good taste and common decency, and I remain,

Yours truly,

Confessions of a Soy Boy

soyOy vey. So, if we’re to believe the wingnuts it boils down to this: would you rather have a long, happy life with a small dick, or be well-endowed until your clogged arteries take you out in your mid forties? Ignoring for a moment the whole debacle of “bigger is better”, this new round of flat earth science about soy causing homosexuality is just sad.

I mean, the bible thumpers are so busy outing themselves these days that they can barely brush past another man in the vestry without collapsing in a heap and confessing how they’ve secretly been gay all their lives. But rather than deal with the fact that teh evil gay may not, in fact, be so evil, they instead move on to scapegoat something more tangible than their corrupt and hateful faith. And, so, now it’s soy’s turn to join Sponge Bob and all the other bad things that are turning out little kids into homosexuals.

It’s not clear to me how this explains women whose sexual orientation is towards other women — I mean, little girls drink soy, too, but if too much soy makes the little boys’ wrists go limp and makes them love other boys, then how can the same choice of beverage have the exact opposite effect on women? Or, maybe, the faith-based scientists have decided to find something else (asparagus? oatmeal?) that causes lesbianism, and merely charge soy with the evils of gay men?

I confess. I drink soy. I eat tofu. I put soy sauce on my sushi. By any New Testament standard, I’m a soy-o-holic. Happily married with two kids, but surely the right man must be out there just waiting for me when I return from the Soy Shop one day?